JOKES

[nicholson]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
 
Nothing was moving.
 
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
 
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
 
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
 
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
 
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

[Sthira]

Two guys walk into a bar. The first orders some H2O. The second guy says sounds good, I'll have some H2O too.

 

The second guy died.

[Greg Scott]

Two guys walk into a bar. The first orders some H2O. The second guy says sounds good, I'll have some H2O too.

 

The second guy died.

I've heard that hydrogen peroxide is deadlier than dihydrogen monoxide.

[Dean Pomerleau]

Great one Sthira. Seriously. That's is the first joke I've heard in a long time that actually made me chuckle. I'm going to tell it to my daughter, who is taking AP chemistry class now.

 

Here is a riddle I made up a while ago. I couldn't find prior reference to it on the internet, so I tentatively concluded it might be original.

 

Question: What flower makes one smile?   (scroll down for answer)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Tulips  (two lips = one  ).

 

--Dean

[Sthira]

An infectious disease walks into a bar. Bartender says we don't serve your kind in here. Infectious disease says well you're not a very good host.

[AlPater]

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's.

And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them."

And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate.

And Woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad.

And Satan brought forth ice cream.

And Woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.

And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's

 

 “Welcome to the Weight Loss Forum. To lose one pound, double-click on you mouse six million time.” - Gasbergan

 

"Old age. It's the only disease … that you don't look forward to being cured of." --From the movie Citizen Kane

 

The CR society are granted an interview with the world's oldest man. They quiz him about his lifestyle.

"How did you get to live to be 126? Tell us everything you do, so that we may emulate you" they eagerly ask him.

He looks up with a twinkle in his alert eyes.

"There's only one thing I do" he said. "I make sure I never argue with anybody"

The members of the society look at him dumbfounded.

"But" they say, "Surely there's more to it than this, don't you have to be on calorie restriction from the age of 25? Don't you have to avoid smoking? Don't you have to exercise? Don't you have to check the fatty acid content of your diet? Don't you have to sprout and eat organic raw food? Don't you have to take any supplements? Don't you have to avoid overcooking and the production of AGEs or free radicals? Don't you have to have a happy and positive outlook to life? Surely you should do more than JUST avoid arguments?"

The old man looks back at them "Perhaps your right" he says.

-- Mike Young

 

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

-- William Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

[Sthira]

Thanks for unloading your funny down upon us, Al.

 

What do you call a vegetarian who goes back to eating meat?

 

Someone who lost their veg-inity

[AlPater]

Politics being in the news, this caught my ear this am:

 

http://www.saskatoonhomepage.ca/viewpoint/coffee-talk-with-vic-dubois/71735-crazy-things-famous-people-say

 

Vic's Coffee Talk

 

Crazy things famous people say

 

Category: Coffee Talk

Created: 29 January 2016

 

Coffee Talk audio -

 

I never know whether to laugh or cry when I catch Donald Trump soundbites lately.  Its even worse with Sarah Palin. Is that woman for real?  I though she uttered some silly statements when she was a candidate for Vice-President but what comes out of her mouth lately as she stumps for Trump is downright unintelligible.  We all know that just because you are famous or rich doesn’t mean you’re smart.   Go back through recent years for other examples we have been told were mouthed by such personages as the former Mayor of Washington who was quoted as saying, “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country”. 

  President Bill Clinton is said to have said, “If we don’t succeed we run the risk of failure”.  A candidate for Congress down in Texas said, “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it”.  And it’s not just politicians. Brooke Shields, when interviewed to be spokesperson for an anti-smoking campaign, apparently said, “Smoking kills.  If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life”.  How about this one attributed to Mariah Carey, “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff”.  Then there was this one from former quarterback and TV analyst Joe Theisman, “The word genius isn’t applicable in football.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein”.

 

That’s Coffeetalk. I’m Vic Dubois.

[Zeta]

 

President Bill Clinton is said to have said, “If we don’t succeed we run the risk of failure”.

 

Just for the record: Clinton never said that.

[AlPater]

You got me on that one, Zeta, apparently it was actually a Dan Quayle quote, among many:

 

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Dan_Quayle 

[Sthira]

Yo mama's so skinny, if she had dreads you could grab her by the ankles and mop the floor.

[AlPater]

GIFtheFeeling.com is a microsite that allows anyone to select a clip from Coca-Cola's new "Taste The Feeling" music video

 

http://www.cbc.ca/news/trending/coca-cola-gif-the-feeling-campaign-trolled-tumblr-twitter-1.3426458 

[Sthira]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mHdYN6kkwcY

[Sthira]

It'd be hilarious except for the fact that people are suffering and dying of diseases that already have cures... while THE SLOW SCIENCE MANIFESTO keeps right on manifestering nowhere:

 

"We are scientists. We don’t blog. We don’t twitter. We take our time.

 

"Don’t get us wrong—we do say yes to the accelerated science of the early 21st century. We say yes to the constant flow of peer-review journal publications and their impact; we say yes to science blogs and media & PR necessities; we say yes to increasing specialization and diversification in all disciplines. We also say yes to research feeding back into health care and future prosperity. All of us are in this game, too.

 

"However, we maintain that this cannot be all. Science needs time to think. Science needs time to read, and time to fail. Science does not always know what it might be at right now. Science develops unsteadi­ly, with jerky moves and un­predict­able leaps forward—at the same time, however, it creeps about on a very slow time scale, for which there must be room and to which justice must be done.

 

"Slow science was pretty much the only science conceivable for hundreds of years; today, we argue, it deserves revival and needs protection. Society should give scientists the time they need, but more importantly, scientists must take their time.

 

"We do need time to think. We do need time to digest. We do need time to mis­understand each other, especially when fostering lost dialogue between humanities and natural sciences. We cannot continuously tell you what our science means; what it will be good for; because we simply don’t know yet. Science needs time.

 

—Bear with us, while we think."

 

 

© The Slow Science Academy, 2010

 

SLOW SCIENCE ACADEMY · BERLIN, GERMANY · ACADEMY@SLOW-SCIENCE.ORG

[Sthira]

When Chemists die...

 

YOU BARIUM.

[Sthira]

Why do fungi have to pay double bus fares?

 

Because they take up too mushroom

[AlPater]

                                    God's Plan for Aging

 

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. 

 

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good. 

 

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good. 

 

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath. 

 

 

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older 

 

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world. 

 

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

 

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. 

 

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

[AlPater]

 

http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/sexually-transmitted-infections-seniors-1.3607533

 

"Education on sexually transmitted infections among older adults may be lacking."

 

Comments

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

• a. cunningham

Um 

Viagra is widely used in nursing homes , on older men , to keep them from rolling out of bed 

Edited May 30, 2016 by AlPater

[Sthira]

REAL-LIFE DR. FRANKENSTEIN CREATES FIRST ENTIRELY LAB-GROWN BABY

 

http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/real-life-dr-frankenstein-creates-first-entirely-lab-grown-baby/

 

babylab

A group of scientists of the famous State Research Center of Virology and Biotechnology VECTOR (Государственный научный центр вирусологии и биотехнологии Вектор), based in Koltsovo, Russia, announced this morning that they had successfully given life to the first human baby grown entirely in vitro and created from reprogrammed stem cells.

 

After working for 2 years on a controversial project, reminiscent of that of the young doctor who created a grotesque but sentient creature through an unorthodox scientific experiment in Mary Shelley’s famous novel, Frankenstein, Dr. Ivanov and his team gave life to an artificially created young boy in their biotechnology lab, located in southern Russia.

 

The baby, who is simply named Adam, was “born” on June 12, in a laboratory of the research center. He weights only 400 grams and is barely seven inches (18 cm) tall, but the experts believe that his chances of survival are very good.

 

“This is a very exciting advance and it’s also very tantalising in terms of the wider fields of medicine and science,” says the famous genetician, Dr. Аlexei Nicolaïevitch Ivanov, who directs the project. “The ability to create an entire human being from simple cells, in a lab, is definitely one of the ‘holy grails’ in medicine. This is a major breakthrough! For the first time, we literally created intelligent life from scratch!”

 

babylab3

The tiny newborn is the size of a 22-week gestation baby and needs a ventilator and a feeding tube, but is otherwise “rather healthy”, say the scientists.

 

It is the first time that scientists have literally given life to a human being, and the process is extremely complicated. The young boy had to be artificially assembled on a microscopic level, from various cells, which had previously been reprogrammed to become specific organs.

 

The geneticians used some specialised human cells derived from stem cells, which are called fibroblasts. These fibroblasts were turned by the scientists into different cell strains, by flipping a genetic “switch” in their DNA, to create the various organs.

 

These “organ cells” were then assembled to create a living human embryo, and placed inside an artificial gestational sac, in a specially designed tank. This tank made to simulate amniotic fluids, contained mainly water with electrolytes, but also proteins, carbohydrates, lipids and phospholipids, and urea, to help him grow.

 

The embryo, then grew and developed for 36 weeks under the close supervision of a team of experts, until he reached full development.

 

“It was a wonderful experience,” explains Dr. Ivanov. “We created this tiny living being, and we watched him grow and develop, day after day. I have two kids myself, but this was totally different… Adam has no father or mother, he is entirely our creation. We created life from nothingness, and that makes me extremely proud.”

 

russianlab

The VECTOR Institute has been conducting a lot of controversial biotechnological experiments over the years, including many projects linked to cloning and biological warfare.

 

The announcement of Adam’s “birth” has brought Dr. Ivanonv and his team, dozens of violent critics. Many scientists, including Professor Clare Blackburn, from the Medical Research Council (MRC) Centre for Regenerative Medicine at the University of Edinburgh, denounced the unethical and immoral nature of the research project, claiming the actual scientific knowledge is insufficient to carry such experiment.

 

“They showed complete disrespect for human life, by choosing to create an entire baby,” she says, visibly disgusted. “We are hardly capable of creating viable organs, at the moment, so creating an entire being is just crazy. It still remains to be seen whether, in the long term, cells generated using direct reprogramming will be able to maintain their specialised form and avoid problems such as tumour formation. For all we know, this baby could gradually regress and become a sort of DNA ‘blob’…”

 

Many others, like Pope Francis, have criticized the project for moral and religious reasons. The head of the Catholic Church warned scientists about “the temptation of playing God” and about the danger of creating “soulless humans“.

[Sthira]

In the last joke, the onion-like article ^^^^ which no one read, but is goofy, I do like the end, I like Pope Francis's warning about "the temptation of playing God."

 

A well-worn, ancient question to the Pontif, whom I know is lurking this thread omni-silently (too mysterious to post), I submit with deep bows, ring-kisses, etc (ex-court gesters are in my 23&me): if we don't play God, then who will play God?

[Sthira]

http://www.fiercebiotech.com/research/how-diabetes-mainstay-metformin-may-prevent-tumors?mkt_tok=eyJpIjoiT1dWbU1EZG1OalF6TjJGaiIsInQiOiJMa0Joc3ZFNlltNnRBSmR4QU1PaXJnajlsenBOdEcwWFlzOU5YTXQ1NTc5OGhlYmhSWmNNWGNSRGY5NDZQejJBRHRJSnY0b01PejR4STBENHNJU3BBdzhaR2hjUjRGcnRUS3J4OWROUStXST0ifQ%3D%3D&mrkid=39989179&utm_medium=nl&utm_source=internal

 

"Several observational studies have suggested that patients with diabetes who take the widely prescribed drug metformin may have a lower cancer risk than people who are not on the drug. But why?

 

"Scientists at the University of California, San Diego, may be a step closer to answering that question. The researchers have identified a cellular mechanism by which metformin fortifies the epithelial cells that line body cavities and organs. By tightening up the junctions between those cells, the drug helps create a barrier against inflammation, toxins and other cancer-causing stresses, they believe. They published their findings in the journal eLife."

 

"Healthy people" are told no, don't take metformin because.

 

Maybe we wish to extend lifespan, and there's nothing for those of us who take care of ourselves, aka control our behavior. But for those who don't, hey, don't it look bright on the metformin front. Does it feel like a joke?

Edited December 2, 2016 by Sthira

[AlPater]

 

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

-- Ellen DeGeneres

[RobertBlythe]

[AlanPater]

Quaker Humor

ž· Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

ž· A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.

ž· Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

ž· A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

ž· Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

ž· I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

ž· A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

ž· Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

ž· Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

ž· Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

ž· A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

ž· Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

ž· A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

ž· Without geometry, life is pointless.

ž· When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

ž· Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

ž· A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

ž· Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

ž· When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

ž· A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

ž· What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

ž· A backwards poet writes inverse.

ž· In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

ž· A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

ž· If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

ž ·With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

ž· Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

ž· When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

ž· The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

ž· A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

ž· You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

ž· He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

ž· Every calendar's days are numbered.

ž· A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

ž· A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

ž· He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

ž· The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

ž· Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

ž· Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

ž· When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

ž· Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

ž· Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

ž· Acupuncture is a jab well done.